Ep 133: Grippy Socks and Coping Skills - A Gamer Goes to the Mental Hospital

[00:00:00] Hey everybody, before I get started with this week's episode, I want to put out a few trigger warnings. The following episode is going to discuss some pretty intense topics like suicidal ideation, self-harm, and mental health. This is the most personal episode of A Gamer Looks At 40 I have ever produced, and it goes places.

[00:00:23] So if those topics are not your cup of tea, stop listening here, check out one of the other 132 episodes of A Gamer Looks At 40. And if you do want to continue, thanks so much for listening to this show. Hope you, well, enjoy it, but learn a thing or two about yours truly. Let's get into it.

[00:00:51] Hello and welcome to episode 133 of A Gamer Looks At 40. I'm Bill Tucker, and if for some weird reason, this is the first episode of A Gamer Looks At 40 you've stumbled across, if this is a brand new podcast for you,

[00:01:08] this may not be the right one to start with because I am at a strange crossroads in this show due to an event or a series of events that occurred about three weeks ago now. Yeah, you may have noticed I have not been very active on TikTok. I have been active on social medias. I haven't really been active on the Discord. I kind of fell off the face of the earth.

[00:01:36] And I debated on even doing something like this. I'm not even sure if I wanted to do this. But given this is Men's Mental Health Month and given I think I need to go through this in a podcast form as a way of processing or something along those lines, I'm just going to kind of spill the tea a bit on what's been going on over the last couple of months with yours truly. This is non-scripted. There is no outline in front of me.

[00:02:05] This is completely off the cuff. I'm going to edit this as little as possible. This is really for those who I've known for a while either via this show or even personally to kind of just get it all out. I've talked to a lot of people about this thus far. I've talked to a lot of people in my personal circle about what happened over the last few weeks. But I haven't talked to everyone. And I think I'm at a situation or I'm at a point where I can't keep talking about it.

[00:02:34] I can't keep telling the story. So I think I'm going to do it here as a document and also maybe as a bit of encouragement for those who might find themselves in a similar situation in their lives to get the help you deserve. Because you can't do it alone. So enough palaver. Without further ado, let's just continue on with the episode. I first things first.

[00:03:01] I a few weeks ago lost my little mind. I lost. I kind of went a little crazy. Quick background. I have struggled with mental health issues since I was eight years old. I mentioned this on one of the Zelda podcast with the great Seth Sergil. We were talking about Majora's Mask, I believe.

[00:03:25] And this I realized that the first time I ever thought about hurting myself in a self-harm or in a self-harm ideation way was when I was eight years old. I was I remember it distinctly. I was told by my mom to go to my room. I probably did something really dumb, probably fully deserved it. And I was so upset with myself, I tried to jam a pencil into my neck. It sounds kind of humorous now, but I remember the emotion.

[00:03:54] I remember the shame of being I'm pretty sure it was a public setting of some sort. I think people were over the house because it was in my room. And I remember wanting to just hurt myself. And those feelings ebbed and flowed as I got into teenagehood, as I got to my 20s. I have had multiple issues and multiple scenarios where I have either threatened or actually intended to do harm to myself.

[00:04:23] I've put myself in very dangerous situations. I have struggled with suicidal ideation. In case you're unaware, suicidal ideation is when you actually start forming a plan. Suicidal thoughts are very common. Everybody in their life at some point thinks, wow, what would it be like if I wasn't here anymore? And suicidal ideation is kind of like that next step where you start planning, fantasizing, etc.

[00:04:50] And I've had ebbs and flows of this my entire life. There was an event in New York in 2011 or 2012. I don't remember the exact year. I almost took a header out of a 10-store building. I was literally straddling a window at the place I worked. I was just in a really bad, depressive state. I was having what I now know to be called a depressive episode.

[00:05:18] I literally was straddling the window frame, half out of it, half in it, and 10 floors up in my office where I worked on 35th Street. And it was one of those situations. And I've had multiple situations like that where I've almost jumped into traffic. It's not to get too specific on that. But long story short, I've dealt with this sort of thing before.

[00:05:46] This is not a new thing for me. But it's been a while since I've really felt it as strong as I did a couple of weeks ago. A couple of weeks ago, about two months ago, I went to Thailand with my church's youth group. It was an amazing trip. It was awesome. It was an amazing trip. But that was when things really started heading south. And I don't blame the trip itself.

[00:06:12] I think the first real trigger for me was the insane amount of jet lag I had coming home. It was over spring break. So it was March. It was middle of March of this year. Thailand from Texas is a 12-hour time difference. It is literally on the other side of the world. You really can't get any further away from Texas than Thailand, really, as far as time zones go.

[00:06:39] And from what I understand and read up, the time to recover from a time zone change is usually a day per zone, you know? So if you go across the country, you know, a day or two of maybe lack of sleep, and you're probably good within a couple of days. This was 12 time zones. So I was facing two weeks' worth of recovery. Going there wasn't the biggest deal. It just wasn't. I felt okay. But the jet lag I had coming back was crazy.

[00:07:08] I've never experienced jet lag quite like this before. And I don't know if I can again. It was brutal. So I got home from Thailand. I had a few days where I just wasn't sleeping. I was eating terribly. Emotions really dragged down. But again, I can chalk it up to jet lag. I was still going to work and functioning.

[00:07:29] But unfortunately, as the end of March and April kind of ground on, I found myself really struggling with focus. I really struggled with seeing things clearly. If I was at work, I'd have a hard time getting through a full email. I've had situations relatively recently where I've had kind of what I now know to be a bit of a breakdown where things just turn off.

[00:07:59] I remember a couple years ago, I was in a work meeting virtually, and all of a sudden, my brain just stopped processing information. It was as if everybody on the call was now speaking in a language I couldn't understand but couldn't parse. I knew they were saying words in English, but they were not entering my brain. They were literally bouncing off.

[00:08:24] And as I was struggling on this call to regain my mental faculties, it felt like I was losing my mind. My anxiety just got higher and higher, and I had what I can only describe to be a breakdown. I had a series of breakdowns after that fact. And usually when I have these kind of situations where my brain just literally stops working, it takes a couple of days for me to kind of get right again. It was a pretty scary situation.

[00:08:52] I've had breakdowns on planes where I've had anxiety attacks due to schedules not being met or delays. This is something that's been a recurring theme. Also, to go back a little bit, I have been medicated for years. I've been, like, if I was doing any editing, I would chop this up and put it in the back. But let me just go back a little bit. I've been diagnosed with depression. I've taken medication for it.

[00:09:18] I was diagnosed bipolar for a very long time, took medication for it, talked to a different psychiatrist who said, wait, no, you're not bipolar. You have anxiety. And tried a bunch of medication for that. So I have been on this mental health ferris wheel for what feels like decades at this point. And what's really frustrating about mental health is that I feel like we're always experimenting on my brain.

[00:09:47] I feel like every new doctor has a new set of medication. And to top it off, I have been on and off with therapy, which if anyone does take medication for mental health, you should not do it without therapy. It has to go in part with therapy. If you're taking meds without therapy, it's really not the most effective thing. And I've been doing that for a number of years, unfortunately. I have had therapists in the past, but due to the insurance reasons and moving and other things,

[00:10:15] it's really hard to start over with somebody else and then have to tell the story over and over again. So back to a couple of months ago, we're talking now April. My psychiatrist was getting concerned every time she saw me. I was getting I was really feeling down in a rut. I felt like I felt like you ever see. I think it was Batman Forever. I think I can't remember.

[00:10:41] Maybe Batman Forever, where Batman all of a sudden kind of out of nowhere decides to just not be Batman anymore. And he has this big speech with Alfred and he says, Alfred, but the Batman is no more. And he's walking through the Batcave and he's literally turning off the Batcave with like a remote. Like you can just turn off the Batman.

[00:11:01] And that's what I felt like over the last since probably mid-April, just feeling like I was turning things off slowly but surely. I was not my best person at work. I was not getting things done. Luckily, my team is a very mature team. They've been around forever and they don't kind of run themselves. But it's not the kind of team that needs a lot of micromanagement, thank God, or else it really would have been boned. I just wasn't doing my best work.

[00:11:29] I feel like the podcast was OK, but inconsistent. I had no energy and still have very little energy, no energy to produce like patron content. My poor patrons who spend money on this show have not been served properly. I was kind of just barely scraping by and, you know, I have all the other stressors.

[00:11:50] My kids can be absolutely crazy, you know, married life and all the other just day-to-day stressors that you have living as a human being in the year 2025. But as the days and weeks were going on, I felt like I was getting worse and worse. I was literally starting to just shut everything down.

[00:12:12] As I kind of approached the Memorial Day weekend, I started really kind of separating and isolating. I blame myself for not reaching out to friends earlier who could have maybe talked it through or maybe someone to bounce ideas off or bounce frustrations to. I didn't reach out to my brother. I didn't reach out to Pete. I didn't reach out to anybody. I felt like I was slowly isolating further and further in.

[00:12:40] I removed myself from every Discord. And with this kind of shutting down came these suicidal thoughts. And when I say suicidal thoughts, I'm going to try to tread as lightly as possible while still being honest about what I experience. And again, this is not a poor me situation. I know a lot of people struggle with this. But again, this is an attempt to make something that's not talked about very often heard.

[00:13:08] And if you're still listening to this show, you know me either personally or through this show and just kind of want to hear what happens. So that's why I'm kind of going this route and taking this stance. So when I talk about suicidal ideation, for me, it becomes obsession. So if I get an intrusive thought about, hey, maybe things would be easier if I weren't around anymore, I'm usually pretty good at rationalizing my way out of it.

[00:13:36] It's cliche, but I always say it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. But when the problems are magnified and maximizing and I'm catastrophizing in my own brain, it seems more like a viable option. What that looks like for me is it looks like obsession.

[00:13:54] I will start researching the tallest places in my town to jump from or how hard is it to get a gun in Texas or just start catastrophizing and researching and obsessing. And these episodes can last anywhere from maybe a few minutes to where I'm like, then I shake myself out of it and then it's good to a couple of days sometimes.

[00:14:17] I was in a situation where I was up till 2, 3 in the morning for a couple of nights in a row just reading stories about people who ended their lives. Whether they were real or not was irrelevant. I was just going through it. I actually reached out to 988 a couple of times. One time I couldn't get anybody on a chat. I did it on chat. The second time I did, they were actually pretty helpful. So I recommend that as a resource if you are in that situation personally.

[00:14:45] I'm going to have links to all this in the show notes so you can take a look at that and just have those resources. But for me, it was becoming more and more like an eventuality. Eventually, I was going to snap and put myself into one of my dangerous situations like I've done many times in the past 44 or so years. It all kind of came to a head on a Monday. It was the Monday before Memorial Day.

[00:15:12] So 19th, I think we're talking now May 19th. I had a really bad depressive episode. I was driving along. I was obsessed with doing myself in. I deleted my start preparing. I deleted my Twitter. My Twitter is gone. I don't like being on Twitter anymore anyway.

[00:15:37] It was nothing but just thirst traps and just really gross stuff I don't want to be associated with. So I just, it's for the better anyway. But I got rid of the Twitter. I started researching, okay, how do I put the podcast on like a hold, you know, so it's less money. How do I was starting to like get affairs in order? All very on the down low. I had a pretty good Tuesday if memory serves.

[00:16:05] And then Wednesday, I decided to take a day for myself. Every quarter, I take a day off from work and go to the movies. I go to a couple of movies. And I just spend the day at the movies. It's a lot of fun. It's a good recharge day. I love movies. And it's just a good opportunity to do that. Before that, though, however, I started in what's called an IOP at the behest of my psychiatrist. I've seen her more and more lately.

[00:16:34] And she said to me, look, I really think you need to seek out some intense therapy. An IOP is intensive outpatient. So normal therapy, you meet with a therapist once a week for an hour, right? You talk about stuff. They usually give you some homework, journaling, all the good stuff. And then you go and see them on a weekly basis. Intensive outpatient therapy is three hours a week. Sorry, three hours a day for multiple days a week.

[00:17:01] It usually equates to like 10 hours a week of therapy. The idea is that it's usually a seven to nine week program. But in that program, you're getting almost a year's worth of therapy. There's cost involved with it. Luckily, my insurance was covering it. I was doing it virtually. So I was working throughout the day and then from six to nine on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday, which is why we haven't been streaming in quite some time. I was doing the IOP and it was three hours of group therapy in a virtual settings.

[00:17:31] I had to drive anywhere. And it was pretty helpful. We were doing some CBT. I did some DBT, which is a CBT is cognitive behavioral therapy. DBT is dialectical behavioral therapy. There are different schools of thought when it comes to behavioral therapy. And I was liking it. And it was in my third week of IOP, which was that week before Memorial Day.

[00:17:55] And that Wednesday, I was due to meet my therapist that was given to me by the IOP for our one-on-one. So I, but that morning, that Wednesday morning of the 21st, so now we're in May 21st, that Wednesday morning was one of the most brutal days of my life.

[00:18:21] Life I've had worse probably, but not this bad in quite some time. I, it was one of those days. And the problem for me really is everything seems to stack up and I can't put the things I need to do in its right box. So for example, that morning, the kids were probably crazy. A lot of it was a blurb. I'm just going to be, just give like general examples. Let's say the kids were crazy and I couldn't get my daughter to school on time.

[00:18:48] And when I got my daughter to school, the class, she wasn't in her regular classroom and I couldn't figure out what classroom she was in. So I'm wandering around the school with her in tow and my son in the van waiting for us outside, trying to find where she belongs. And I go to the van. I have to take him to, I decided to go to the gym. I had a training session at the gym and, but I had some time.

[00:19:12] So I went to get him up his favorite lemon blueberry muffin at this coffee shop, but I couldn't find a place to park at the coffee shop. And all these things are stacking up. They're stacking up and stacking up and nothing's processing. Nothing is, is getting out. And as these things stack up in my brain, I get very anxious. So what I feel like is anxious. It's an anxiety where I'm like, my mind starts racing. My brain starts overworking. Things start working faster and faster.

[00:19:40] I dropped my son off at the daycare that's at the gym. And I just proceed to cry in the lobby of the gym for about 25 minutes. Up until I was scheduled to work with my personal trainer. I called the number. I called the phone number of the place. My IOP has a crisis number. I called them and their advice was to wash my face. And that just all it did was frustrate me more.

[00:20:10] I'm like, that's not an answer. I need help. Um, and actually one of the other employees at the gym found me and did some grounding exercises with me. I don't, I'd never heard of a grounding exercise to kind of call me down. Um, long story short, I, I kind of stayed there. I didn't do my workout, got my son, went home and then proceed to go to my first movie. Um, my wife took one look at me and she noticed something was very wrong.

[00:20:38] Uh, she got on the phone with my psychiatrist saying, you have to talk to him now because I was, I was in the midst of some medication changes as well. They're fiddling with my medication because I wasn't getting better. I was getting much worse. I was now in the IOP. So they're messing with some meds. They're giving more of this and less of this. There was an ADHD, uh, diagnosis in there somewhere. So evidently I'm neurodivergent. Okay. I'm still figuring out what that means. So all of these different things are kind of coursing through my brain on this Wednesday.

[00:21:08] So I say, let me just go to my movie. When I go to my movie, I already have a schedule that the tickets for it already. I'm going to go eat some cauliflower nuggets and have myself a good time and kind of relax at the movies on my way to the movies. I don't know exactly what triggered me to snap. Someone may have cut me off. Maybe I don't know, but die behind the wheel of the car. I snapped.

[00:21:36] I had what later was described as a major depressive episode. Um, but as different than a major depressive episode, like being sad or, you know, being in bed for two weeks, my mind goes into overdrive and I start acting out in a very dramatic, explosive way. It looks like explosive anger. Um, it's, there is a thing I've been diagnosed with before. I don't know how real it is called IED.

[00:22:03] It's intermittent explosive disorder, which is kind of these like big emotions turn into literally dynamite. I am speeding down the road. I'm swerving in and out of cars of traffic. I got the window down. I'm screaming out the window that I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm laughing. I'm yelling at people. I am revving my engine. I get to the movie theater. I'm doing donuts in the parking lot. I am acting insane.

[00:22:30] And if a cop had found me, which I sometimes wish they had almost, you know, um, they would have called an ambulance and they would have taken me to a hospital. Uh, I lose my mind. I, I ha it's these, it's a very scary loss of self in these moments. If you had asked me my name, I probably wouldn't be able to tell you. I, I, I kind of just, I lose it.

[00:22:57] And, and for those who know me or you just know me from the show, I noticed might sound weird. It's like, Oh, kindly old bill. Oh, Mr. Mr. The, the Mr. Rogers of video game podcasting has this. Yes. Yes. This is, this is a side of me that I don't talk about. And this is actually feeling pretty good to talk about in this context. Even if this doesn't get released, I don't even know if I'm going to release this, but

[00:23:22] um, anyway, so I'm in the midst of this episode and all I can think about is how this needs to end. And there's only one way out that I can find. There's only one way out. I, there's only one way, which I have a four mentioned, um, better sense of course prevailed. I go into the movie. I see the movie. Uh, it was good. I liked the movie. I, I honestly, I'm trying to remember what movie I saw. Was it sinners? I don't think it was sinners.

[00:23:51] It was, I don't remember. I'm, I, I could look at it now. Whatever. I saw a movie with throughout the movie. I was, it was the, um, the thunderbolts. I saw thunderbolts, um, which wasn't a great movie to see when you're having a depressive episode because that movie deals a lot with like mental health and, and feeling less than important. And all of these other different themes, like it thematically lines up. There were a few moments in the movie where I was like, but it was good.

[00:24:18] I was eating, had some food in me watching the movie. It was great. Um, I then had a couple of hours between when the movie came out, got out around like four. Um, and when I was scheduled to meet with my psychiatrist at like five, and then my goal is to go to another movie around seven. Um, I decided just to go home. I, I decided just to go home. I went home. I talked to my wife. I laid down, took a nap.

[00:24:46] Uh, I, my wife is now on the phone with our psychiatrist trying to get me an appointment as soon as possible because she's at her wits end, understandably. And I finally get to a place where I talked to my psychiatrist, my therapist, uh, over virtual zoom. And she basically took one look at me and was like, I am really concerned. She's like, I'm really concerned. And I really liked my therapist from the IOP. She was great.

[00:25:13] Uh, and she's like, look, I, I just, I think you need a higher level of treatment. I'm really concerned. She's, she, she, without saying it, she was afraid I was going to kill myself. Um, cause I had said as much. So I start looking into a higher level of care. Now there's, there's three levels of psychiatric care, um, beyond your standard psychiatrist and therapist. There is inpatient, which is literally staying at the hospital 24 seven for a set amount of time.

[00:25:43] And then the step down from that is PHP, which is partial hospitalization where you're still going to the hospital every day for a set amount of time, but you're going home in the evenings and they're still managing a medication. And then of course there's IOP, which is the third level. And that's what I was doing when all this went down. So she says here, I, here's some places I recommend. The closest one is a facility called rock Springs. Um, I don't know what the official, if it's mental hospital or psychiatric hospital.

[00:26:13] Um, Thursday was a slightly better day. I actually took that day off from work. I just was not in a mind space to work. And then Friday, I actually did work on Friday, but I was less than functional. I did frankly, the bare minimum. Uh, I, I was not in a great space, but I, I stuff, I, I, I pull, I pulled through, I was able to get some stuff done. And I wasn't completely useless. Um, but I do, but I, I, I, and I decided, and I, so bad, sorry.

[00:26:42] I was able to function on Friday, but I was, it was a challenging day. Friday, Friday morning. I talked to my psychiatrist. My wife had got me an appointment first thing in the morning. And my psychiatrist basically said the same thing the therapist did. She's, and my psychiatrist basically said, you're right. Now you're on medication for anxiety and ADHD. We just started the ADHD medication.

[00:27:06] How about we just completely take you off of the anxiety med and double up on your, on your, um, ADHD med. And again, I'm not going to get into what the medications are. This is a public forum. So I just, for that, I'm just going to, I'm not going to get into exactly what the medications are. I don't know why it just doesn't feel right for whatever reason. If you're curious, reach out to me directly. I'm happy to talk to you one-on-one about it.

[00:27:32] Um, so that, that my wife who sits in on a lot of my psychiatric stuff, cause she knows me better than I know myself because I don't remember anything. Part of this constant brain fog I've been in is I don't remember anything. Like you asked me what I did three days ago. I have no idea. I, and she knows she sits next to me every day at work. We, we share an office together here in our home office. And so she knows better than I do.

[00:27:57] And when she heard the doctor wanting to take medication away, not broke down, but was very upset and basically said, if you're going to do that, he can't be here. Like he can't be here for that. Like I, there's no, with, I have kids here who rely on me and my wife and she's been through all of these trials and tribulations with my mental state over the years. And, you know, she's hitting a breaking point too.

[00:28:25] And her, so, so my psychiatrist says, Hey, there's this place, Rock Springs. Uh, it's in Georgetown. I recommend it. It's a good facility. Go there and get evaluated. So four o'clock that afternoon, I go to Rock Springs to get evaluated. I don't know what I'm getting evaluated for. It's an intake, but it's, it's just an evaluation. They didn't see me until five 30, which was brutal because I was starting to get really frustrated and I was starting to spiral again.

[00:28:54] I'm walking on the parking lot, punching signs and trying to touch grass and nothing's working. So I was in a real froth by the time they finally saw me at five 30 in the afternoon after having a four o'clock intake appointment. Um, Friday, of course, but the Friday before Memorial day. So a lot of people are out. I don't blame the center. It is what it is. These things take time. So I have the intake and long story short, when the intake, I fill out this huge questionnaire,

[00:29:23] have a conversation with the intake nurse. And when they asked me, when was the last time you had a suicidal ideation? My answer was this morning and actually a half an hour ago because I've been sitting outside waiting for an hour and a half on something that you clearly don't care about. I was really not in the greatest moods. Um, when they heard that it was basically you can't leave now and not, not to that effect.

[00:29:51] Um, they highly recommended. I go inpatient, stay there. Um, they regular, we can get you a bed and we can get you a bed now. It's going to take about three hours for us to get you a bed. Just be aware. It's a long process to get you in. And at that point, my wife is still there and I am, I kind of look at my wife like, I don't want to stay here. I don't want to be here. Like this is, this is the last thing I want.

[00:30:18] And the intake nurse very directly, very kindly, but very directly was like, well, if you, we can't force you to be here. But at this point, since you have said that you have suicidal thoughts, we'd have to call the police. We'd have to call the cops, a police officer would, would come here, evaluate you. And if they say you can't leave, then you can't leave.

[00:30:42] Like she made it sound like the police officer would now make it, make it so I had no choice. Whereas if I went in voluntarily, it'd be easier for me to get out. I come to realize later, that's probably not the case. Uh, there's like peace, there's care officers that come. It's a different thing. It's not as dramatic as she made it out to be. I come to find out later.

[00:31:05] So that night around, like my wife went to, I, I was at on, um, May 23rd, which was the Friday before Memorial day. I was checked into the mental hospital and I was there for seven days. Um, which is the minimum given the ward I was in. I was in a ward that was not acute. There are different wards for different people. There's a women's only ward. There's a, um, there's a veterans ward. There's a ward for acute cases.

[00:31:34] If you know, schizophrenics and people who are more quote unquote dangerous to themselves, you know, who need a higher level of care. I was in the in-between wing from what I understand. I was in Willow at Rock Springs and I, it was weird. I couldn't tell anybody. I, they took my phone. Um, it took about three hours for me to get my bed. I walk into the ward. There's a whole bunch of people I don't know.

[00:32:00] And that started my experience at the mental hospital. So I, I didn't have any clothes. My wife had to go to target and just get me clothes for the next day. Just like something to change into, um, sun Saturday morning, uh, just like something. And we, she had a, we had a like birthday party to go to and she was, she was cooking for a party. So she had other things going on and, you know, which was fine. She, she was, my wife was amazing.

[00:32:27] My wife reached out to my extended family, some family members, some close friends, but I couldn't reach out to anybody personally because they took my phone. That was a big part of it. Um, there's limited opportunities for calling people. Although I learned that wasn't the case here cause I was less acute. And, uh, I spent a week in the mental hospital, uh, with no access to the internet, no access to anything, you know, other than whatever books my wife was able to get me.

[00:32:56] Um, I am going to now kind of take a quick break and, uh, basically state something I haven't stated on this show before. If you're still listening, uh, thank you. This is about half an hour in at this point. Um, I don't bring up this part of my persona, I guess, which is, which is this, this part I'm to talk about now is, is literally one of the biggest parts of me. It's the biggest part of my identity. It's something I don't bring up on the podcast.

[00:33:25] And that is, I'm setting it up like I'm a mass murderer or I've left. I am not a mass murderer. I promise I'm a Christian. I'm a, I'm a born again, Christian. I'm not going to get into my testimony. Um, long story short, I grew up in a Roman Catholic household. Uh, my parents were not really into it. Uh, I went to CCD in Sunday school and when I was 13, my mom was like, do you don't need to, I was confirmed. And my mom was like, you don't need to go to church anymore. And I'm like, really?

[00:33:53] I can stay home and play Mario brothers and not do this church thing. That, that sounds great. And that was it. I was basically, uh, agnostic slash atheist, probably more agnostic than anything else for 20 years. Um, when I moved to Texas, thanks to a series of events that I'll probably get into in another forum at some point, I've given this testimony a lot. At church and other recovery groups and things like that. I, uh, I, I came to faith.

[00:34:19] My wife and I both did, um, in February of 2015, a few months before we were married. I am heavily involved with my home church. I was involved. I've been involved with their recovery ministry for a very long time. I first went there for, it's called celebrate recovery. It's a faith-based recovery, 12 step program for not just alcohol or drugs or sex addiction, but really any hurt habit or hang up. It's a great program.

[00:34:44] And you don't need to be a believer to attend, although it is a faith-based recovery program. Uh, I was involved with that in leadership there for a long time. I started going there for anger, uh, quickly discovered. I had a drinking problem and, um, I am now five years sober as of April. Is it April? I'm sure it was April or May. I think it's, uh, April 30th is my, uh, sober date. Uh, it's April or May. I always forget, but it's, uh, April 30th is my sober date.

[00:35:13] It's April, April 30th, my sober date, 2020. Uh, so I've been sober for five years. I had a very serious drinking problem for a number of years ever since I lived in New York, carried with me to Austin. Um, but anyway, I, so I'm very involved with that church ministry. I was involved with their men's ministry for a while. That's what led me to faith. Um, I am very involved with my church's youth group. I have been, um, mentoring the same group of guys for the last seven years, uh, ever since they were in third grade.

[00:35:41] They're now seniors in high school. This is their last year. I go on mission trips with the youth true group. I go to their summer camp. I go to winter retreat. I'm very involved with youth group. Uh, I was also, I'm also, my wife and I are involved with our church's marriage ministry, uh, called re-engage. Uh, so we serve there as well with, uh, couples who are just trying to repair their marriage and, and do all that from a godly perspective. And the reason I don't bring this up on a Gamer Looks at 40 podcast, even though this is a huge

[00:36:11] part of my life, if I'm not working, I'm probably at church and then doing podcast stuff. Like that's like, that's kind of like the hierarchy almost of, of my existence. And the reason I don't bring it up is because there's a lot of baggage that comes with being a Christian. I'm well aware there's a lot of people in my audience do have a lot of church hurt. There's a lot of people in the audience who probably hate organized religion. And I don't blame you because I hated it for decades.

[00:36:40] And, um, I am now what I would consider a born again Christian. Um, the only thing I ever ask of anybody when I talk about my faith is that please don't judge me without asking me when it comes to my faith, because I know there's a lot of preconceived notions when it comes to Christians in the United States, right? We're supposed to hate gay people. We're all Republicans. We all love Donald Trump. None of those, none of those are the case with me.

[00:37:06] So please don't assign societal norms to me because of my Christian faith. And I promise you, I will never judge you for who you choose to be. That's kind of the trade-off. That's how I feel all Christians should be. I feel believers should not be judging anybody. We have no reason to judge. We can't judge. There's only one being that judges righteously. And in my worldview, that's God. Um, so I have no right to judge anybody for whatever they do or whoever they choose to be.

[00:37:37] Um, that's not in the, that's not in the text of being a Christian. And unfortunately, faith has been so conflated with politics and, and other social things. Uh, it makes it, it makes it hard for me. And I never wanted my faith to get in the way of the purpose of the game where looks at 40, which was to be truly all inclusive, all stories, welcome, all people welcome.

[00:38:02] And I still think this show can be that given I still have a Christian background and I have a Christian belief. So the reason I say that in this diatribe, and the reason I bring that up is because, uh, I really felt like God did a lot of showing up while I was in inpatient. While I was inpatient, I really feel like God did a lot of work there. Um, that first night I wanted nothing to do with it.

[00:38:29] The first day was this, it was this, uh, Saturday I was there. There was a skeleton crew because of the holiday weekend. There weren't a lot of activities or things to do. We spent a lot of time just sitting in the main, main hall or the main room watching a TV that, you know, everybody else had control over. I was the new, new kid on the block. I was called my wife. Luckily in this ward, unlike a lot of words I know of, um, where contact with family members

[00:38:59] is very limited. There is very strict call times when you can call a family member. They were very loose with the here. As long as the phone was available, you could call at any time of day, unless it was the, unless it was after lights out, of course, but throughout the actual day, as long as we weren't in group or, you know, being seen by the doctor or the psychiatrist, um, I could talk to Jamie whenever I wanted, which was really great. I know a lot of facilities don't do that based on the people I met there.

[00:39:27] Um, I was talking to James and I'm just like, look, I, I don't want to be here. I'm crying. I'm like, I, please, can you get me out? And once I hung up with Jamie, I kind of just sat there. It was like three o'clock in the afternoon on a Saturday Memorial day weekend. And I just realized, man, you know what? I'm just going to surrender this week to God. I'm just, you know what? God do something with me, make, make this a thing.

[00:39:56] And without getting too much into the Jesus side of stuff, um, I really feel like he showed up in that. I was able to start talking to people. I got to know a lot of my fellow ward mates or fellow, yeah, uh, fellow patients. That's the best way of saying it. My fellow patients, I started hearing some of their stories or some other believers, some non-believers. Uh, but what I love, I really thought the best part about being inpatient were the other people I met along the way.

[00:40:24] There were, I, I had the opportunity to pray for some people. Um, they asked me to do a Bible study on Sunday. So you weren't at, there was no church. So I did like this very quick slapdash Bible study thing, you know, um, which was cool. My wife, uh, I, part of my freak out on Wednesday, I threw my Bible out the window of my moving car because I was so angry with life and everything in it. Um, basically again, turning off everything in the back cave. Uh, so I didn't have a Bible on me.

[00:40:53] So my wife went to target and found the only Bible she could find, which was a, an NIV version, not a study version or anything, but it's bright pink. So it's my pretty pink Bible, which I love. And I am, that's not my pretty pink therapy Bible. That's my recovery Bible. Sweet. Um, I was able to do that. Um, I was able to read all of Isaiah, which is not fun reading. I don't know why I picked Isaiah, but I did just, just an opera. It was a great opportunity to just unplug completely.

[00:41:21] And I learned quite a few things during my week there. Um, I learned that I need to heal for, for the first time in my life. I need to heal. I need to really understand how to deal with the demons in my brain, how to deal with these mental health issues that I've always swept under the rug or I've said, I can figure it out. Oh, that's, I'm a little crazy. It's okay.

[00:41:48] I, I needed, I need time to heal and not just treat the symptoms with medication. Although I'm still going to take medication. Um, the second thing I learned, and my brother's been saying this to me for years. Um, it's not good for me to isolate. I think COVID did a real number on me because I went from being in an office where I saw people every day conversing to being by myself. And I've been very isolated for years, um, here in Texas.

[00:42:15] I was, I, I, it's, and everyone was, I mean, it's not just me. Everyone was, but for some reason I maintained that kind of isolation. And while I know people through, again, through the podcast and people through, um, people through other, you know, virtual means, I realized how much I love people. I genuinely love people and me just being in a social environment with other people struggling

[00:42:40] with variety of different issues was really reminded me how much I need real human beings to connect with, to be face to face with. Uh, a lot of people don't need that. You know, a lot of people can do virtual and that's great. And I can still do virtual fine. I trust me, I'm not, I'm not abandoning virtual completely, but I really feel like my therapy needs to be in person. I feel like my ongoing therapy needs to be in person and I just need to be around more people.

[00:43:10] And because I find people, as you know, from me doing this show endlessly fascinating. I love people. I really do. I love stories. I think I loathe AI because it's replacing people and, and not to get into that whole tinfoil hat nonsense with me, but I just find people to be the last frontier that we're never

[00:43:35] going to breach because we're so different and so interesting and so unique. Everyone listening to this program, this episode, everybody has a unique story to tell that is uniquely yours that nobody else can claim. And that's amazing. And that's why I love telling stories, personal stories through the lens of video games, because that's never married. Those two things are very rarely connected. And when this show is working well, that's what it's doing well.

[00:44:05] And that's what I try to do. Um, so I, I realized I need people. I realize I need real healing. And of course I realized I need therapy and therapy is part of that healing process. Um, being in Patience Wild, like once Memorial Day was over, I, Tuesday through Thursday was actually pretty fun. Um, our, our ward was weird. It didn't, it, they, they, they let us kind of do what we wanted within a reason, obviously,

[00:44:32] but we were watching like horror movies on the TV at night. We were watching like final destination and I'm looking around like the nurses are okay with us sitting here watching final destination. We were watching, um, what's it called? Uazaki, the, uh, Junji E2 cartoon of the spirals, the spiral manga. I mean, like the anime from, we're watching that because they had access to Netflix or whatever that's on. So we were watching that like a few episodes of it. It was weird.

[00:45:01] I think it's one of those things where I'm like, why did you let us do half of this stuff? Almost felt like they didn't care enough, but I'm glad because I know other places they're very strict on what you can watch and you know, what you can see. They really kind of just led us to our own devices. Uh, we did a lot of, uh, YouTube surfing. Uh, someone put on angry video game nerd out of nowhere, which was wild. I haven't seen an angry video game nerd episode in three years, probably, you know, new angry video games nerd stuff. That was fine.

[00:45:29] Uh, we did a lot of music video watching where everyone would take a turn and pick a video. You know, we watch people's favorite songs. Uh, it was, it was an interesting vibe. There were some scary moments. Um, a lot of people were there for detox, um, from different either drugs or alcohol. We had a number of people, uh, suffer from seizures due to medication situations. Um, detox medication can be brutal.

[00:45:55] And if you are in a detox, luckily when I was coming off of my alcohol abuse, I never had like DTs. I never had shakes. Um, I, I had cravings of course, but I never had serious physical ramifications from coming down from alcohol. So, but a lot of these people were, so the number of times where in the middle of the night, you know, EMS would be called to take them to the ER and they'd come back in six hours after they were stabilized or, um, a lot of people were there.

[00:46:22] We had a couple people there for self harming and there was just, it was a wide variety of people. But what I loved about the environment was everyone was there. Everyone there knew they needed help. And while this wasn't the ideal situation, it was cool to hear different perspectives and, uh, and different ideas. Uh, we had, there was a lot of opportunity. They had a gym in there where you could go every day to the gym, the gym, basically like three treadmill, two treadmills and elliptical and a couple of weight machines.

[00:46:50] But Hey, it was something I was able to get a sweat on, which was good. Uh, we had two group sessions a day, which was a, then again, according to other people who've been to other facilities, that's nothing. A lot of facilities will do five group sessions a day and it's all group. They did. They had a yoga person come in twice a week. They had, they had a lot of programs in arts and crafts program. We had outside time, uh, seven times a day, which was nice. Evidently at other facilities, it's like twice or three times.

[00:47:21] Uh, it, it was, it, it was, it was a good experience. Once I kind of settled in, uh, grippy socks are baller. They are great. And I did find them. Uh, I have, I fell in love with grippy socks. They are, they are pretty great. Uh, and I just kind of fell into it. The food wasn't fantastic. Everything's very low sodium. So low sodium, low flavor, but you know, they did the best they could. And, and one of the biggest things I practiced actively there, and it's something I've been

[00:47:48] trying to practice all year, but it really came to the fore, um, that, that week was, uh, I, it really came to the fore gratitude. The, the concept of active gratitude, uh, was very present and was something I decided to embrace early on. So if the food wasn't great, I actively was like, you know what? Thank you. Thank you, God, for giving me food today. There's people out there in the world who are not eating today. I'm eating cool and I'm safe.

[00:48:16] And just being grateful for all these little things, these, these little pleasures. And it's something that I'm continuing to do as I kind of move forward after the fact. Um, it was, it was an interesting experience. It really was. So I was discharged on the Friday, which was June. Oh, first or second. I can't remember exactly the date. Uh, but it was that Friday. So exactly one week from the Friday before Memorial day was, I was released.

[00:48:46] Um, I decided to go right into a PHP program that was recommended at the same facility. And that is what I'm doing right now. Uh, as of this recording, which is, if this goes out, this will go out tomorrow or a month, which is Monday. I'm recording on Sunday. This will be Monday. So as of tomorrow, um, I am going to be doing a PHP program. I'm in a PHP program now. It's nine to one o'clock at the hospital every day.

[00:49:13] Uh, four hours of group therapy, uh, where we're doing some DBT skills, some CBT skills, anxiety, depression, um, based on the conversations I've had. Um, oh, also, by the way, I forgot to mention the medicine. When I, a big part of me going inpatient was, um, medicine management. They want to make sure that the medication changes suggested by my psychiatrist would take.

[00:49:37] And if anything went bad, I would be in a secure place to have things go bad as opposed to being home where, you know, something could some, we around other people. I could get help immediately if, if I, if a medication didn't shake or whatever. The only problem with medication is I was on Prozac and Prozac has a very long shelf life. It takes about two weeks to completely exit your system. And the new medication I was on takes about two medications, two weeks to fully ramp up.

[00:50:06] So it was really more to make sure I was okay. I went off of a lot of stuff just because I was there. I was like, might as well get off of it. Um, so I'm starting to, I'm in the PHP program right now, which is that partial hospitalization program. I have one more week of it. And then I am going into an IOP at that same center, uh, in person. And that's an eight week program. Um, once I'm out of the PHP program, when I was inpatient, I saw a psychiatrist every day.

[00:50:34] Uh, and they would check my medication every day, uh, updated meds every day. And the PHP, I'm seeing a psychiatrist once a week. I'm going to see one tomorrow and they're managing meds. And then once I go back to IOP, I have to just go back to my regular psychiatrist for medication management. They don't do that there. Um, my, when I went, I visited with the psychiatrist inpatient for the first time, we talked for like an hour and a half.

[00:51:01] I've never talked to a psychiatrist for longer than 30 minutes because the psychiatry it's, it's, and again, this is not a knock against psychiatry, but you know, it's, we got to get through patients. We have people and it's, you know, it's medication. It's not therapy. Uh, but he heard my whole story, all my suicide attempts, all my mental health history, as much as I can remember. Um, he looked at the plan my psychiatrist made and said, why are we doing this? He did not agree.

[00:51:27] He's like, I'm going to start you on this thing and this thing for the ADHD, this thing for, uh, depression and this thing for ADHD. And it turns out after being in the, in the PHP program and learning more about what exactly anxiety is and depression is, I think I am definitely more depression, um, than, than anxiety. Evidently anxiety is a side effect of depression and they can manifest in very similar ways.

[00:51:54] But the, what I had was what they again labeled as a major depressive episode over two weeks of feeling run down, low energy, et cetera, et cetera. So that's been my last couple of weeks. It's, it's been really, really crazy. So the, really the question now is what's next, what's next for me? Um, right now I am not working. I am on, um, FMLA leave from my job.

[00:52:23] Um, I am taking 12 weeks off, uh, to do the PHP and then the IOP. I am probably returning to work mid August ish. I believe I'll find out more tomorrow when I officially sign up for the IOP starting next week. So I can kind of transition right in. I am getting some short-term disabilities. So the bill, some bills, I'm not getting my full paycheck, but I'm getting something which is helping.

[00:52:48] Um, we've had to cut back a lot on subscription services and just really trimming the fat on a lot of things. We had to pull my daughter out of daycare temporarily cause that saves two grand a month. Um, we are in a very blessed place where we money obviously is money is not irrelevant for us, but we have enough in the bank where we can weather this storm for a few months. And actually I was thinking about doing the PHP and working. And then I realized I've got nine to one.

[00:53:17] I'm going to be working for like two to five was the point. And then my thought was, well, I'll just go back to the virtual IOP and I'll be back in the saddle at work in time for our busy season, which if you're a fan of this show, you know, usually runs around August to September in my line of work, real work. Those are the episodes. That's the season where I don't produce a lot of content and I'm doing reruns and I'm doing easy stuff during those months because I'm usually working 70 hours a week at my regular nine to five.

[00:53:45] Um, I actually spoke to my boss about it and he was like, are you sure you're going to take all that time? It's back to school. And my wife was the one who encouraged me and said, take as much time as you need or want. Take it. Like you said, I said myself, I need to properly heal. And if I had a shattered leg, I wouldn't start running a marathon after three weeks. I'd let the dumb thing heal. Same thing goes for our mental health.

[00:54:13] I'm trying to treat mental health like I would treat physical health, which is kind of going to be the wrap up of this whole diatribe momentarily. But, um, so I am going to be out for the next couple of months. Uh, I, I, if, if you're curious about the future of the show is, I have no idea. I, I feel pretty good. I've had some low days since getting out of the hospital. Not going to lie. I've had more good days and bad days.

[00:54:39] I've learned a lot of coping skills to help if my brain gets overstimulated, how to like calm it down without getting to those suicidal ideations, how to separate grounding techniques, all that fun stuff. And I'm still learning about it, which is good. Um, the ADHD explains a lot. It explains why I can't focus on anything. It explains a lot of things. So it's good to again, learn how to cope with that.

[00:55:04] And also with the medication, hopefully just learn to cope with the cards I've been dealt mentally. Uh, but that leaves very little time for me to produce podcast episodes. I, I am still exhausted by a two o'clock. Um, my sleep has not been great. It's been on and off. I'm trying not to take sleep medication. I was prescribed it. It gives me wicked dreams, like wild vivid dreams, which are not fun, but it is what it is.

[00:55:33] Um, so long story short, I, I, I don't really know what the future of the show holds. I, I do have enough content to do episodes for final fantasy eight and nine. I want to get a few more people on for those episodes. I don't know if I'm going to be able to given everything that's going on. And if you're one of those people, I am going to reach out to you sooner than later to kind of let you know what the status is. Cause I do have some people I promised I would get on and I don't know if that's going to happen.

[00:56:01] And I want to kind of square that with those people, um, before producing anything. Um, other than that, I don't know. I really don't know what the show is going to hold. If it, if there's no content any further, I'm going to consider shutting down the Patreon, um, or at least putting the pause on it. I really don't feel comfortable taking people's money. Um, no one's complained about it and they've been very gracious, my patrons, but I really can't in good faith, uh, take money from people and not provide anything.

[00:56:29] Um, so that's another decision that needs to be made, of course. Um, but there's some decisions that need to be made and I don't want this show to just end. I really, there's, there's a couple more series I would love to do, but I gotta be honest. And this is where I'm going to get Jesusy again. I really feel like the next thing I do has to serve the kingdom in some way. And I have some ideas. I have some thoughts. I know the vast majority of my audience won't go with me.

[00:56:57] I know a lot of people I know personally may not want to engage with me anymore. If I'm, if I'm doing a Christian show or a Jesusy podcast. Um, and I don't know what those things look like. Um, if you are that person and if you, when you heard that your brain immediately went to yuck, I, I encourage you to talk to me one-on-one. I'll talk to you via discord. We don't have to text. We can actually have a conversation about it.

[00:57:22] Um, and we can just talk about my faith and I'd rather before losing friends, I'd rather have the conversation first. And if our ideals don't truly don't mix, which I don't think, I think they will to be perfectly honest. I think people know me well enough at this point, uh, where I stand on a lot of issues. Um, and I hope I can maintain those relationships, but I also understand that if I do a show

[00:57:45] like this, a Christian show of some sort, I, I'm starting from scratch from genuine scratch. And I understand that. And that's okay. I, I, I understand that. Uh, I don't know if there is a world where a gamer looks at 40 and a Christian show exists, coincides and work. I don't know. There's a lot of things going on right now, but honestly, my number one priority right now is just getting my mental state, right.

[00:58:12] Getting to the point where I don't feel like I need a nap every day at two o'clock, um, to just sustain, to get to a point where I can have the kids home and not be frustrated by the sounds of their voices sometimes. Right. And again, not their fault, their kids, but these are the realities of the things I'm dealing with. I need to get the medication squared away. I need to focus on healing. I need to focus on my faith and I need to focus on building my support network and reconnecting with friends and getting out there more as a human being.

[00:58:41] So we are almost at the hour mark. So I want to just end with a few final thoughts, kind of going back to where I started on this. Why did I go through all this? Why did I put together an episode basically spilling my tea about my mental health for the last hour? Um, June is men's mental health month. It's also pride month. So happy pride month to all those who celebrate, but it's also men's mental health month. And I liked the fact that it's men's because as guys, I did not grow up in an environment

[00:59:10] where you could talk about this openly to people. I didn't grow up. I grew up with working class guys who just got on with it and figured it out. You know, World War II Vietnam vets who saw atrocities and just went to work and dealt with it. And for the longest time, I thought I could do the same. I thought I could just get on with it. Take a pill, take a couple of pills, watch some movies. Yeah, I can be a little bit cranky. Yes, I fly off the handle. Yes, I'm very emotional, but you know what?

[00:59:40] I am what I am. And now I'm realizing that it's serious. And so many guys out there are just subsiding or just surviving when they could be thriving. And my hope and my prayer and my positive vibe for everyone out there is to stop surviving and let's all start thriving because there's a lot of amazing things in this world.

[01:00:07] I know as I'm recording this, there's protests and there's all sorts of awful things out there. And I know, and I know it looks hopeless, but I've always said to find the positive things in life, you have to go to the micro level. You have to look around your neighborhood, around your house, look at nature outside. Just there are really great things out there and there is a way to thrive in the midst of all this madness.

[01:00:35] And my true and proper hope is for if you're a guy out there who's ever thought about self-harm and I've done the self-harm thing more times than I can count in suicidal ideation or anxiety, depression, you don't have to suffer it alone. There's people out there who are more than willing to listen to you. And again, regardless of your gender, there is help available.

[01:01:02] If that means going inpatient for a week, 10 days, two weeks to just hit that reset button like I did, it's worth it. If it means taking time off from work so you can kind of get your mind right and figure out coping skills and coping mechanisms, do that. And if you ever want a non-judgmental person to talk to about anything, whether it's faith,

[01:01:29] mental health, or what Contra game's best, seriously, please hit me up on Discord. Again, I no longer have Twitter. That has been abolished. But I still have Blue Sky, which I'm on rarely. TikTok is the main thing I'm kind of on now. Or just reach out to me on Discord. I'd love to talk to you. Consider me a friend if you need it. Because I've walked the walk of a lot of mental health.

[01:01:59] And while I don't know your story and I can't begin to pretend like I can live in your shoes, I can at least be an empathetic ear that will just listen and not try to fix you and try to lead you to a place where you can get help. Of course, 988 is a great resource if you're in the United States. That's the suicidal helpline. They're great. I genuinely feel they were a big help when I needed them.

[01:02:27] I know other people have utilized that resource. There's also a chat option. If you don't want to talk to someone, you can do a chat. They try to get to you quick. And get the help if you need it. Because this is going to sound like corny nonsense, but you are worth it. Like, you're worth it. And I hope that comes through. I hope that comes through in this podcast. I hope that comes through in what I've talked about thus far. I hope that comes through in every episode.

[01:02:54] Because at the end of every episode, I always say, be kind to yourselves and each other. And I think I stole that from something. I don't know where I got that from. I started saying it and I just kept on going because I didn't feel like thinking of other things to say. But I truly mean it every time I say it. Be kind to yourselves and each other. And maybe just tag on you're worth it. You are worth the effort.

[01:03:19] Especially in those seasons where it really feels like you're not. All right. Gamer looks at 40. Done. I don't, again, I don't know. It might be another couple weeks before I put anything out. I don't know what's next for the show. But you know what? There's lots of other great shows to listen to. I wish I had a list in front of me. I don't. It's late. I got to get this thing encoded and out and some artwork done. But y'all know the Google players.

[01:03:48] Obviously, Games My Mom Found. Love Them to Death. Stay Select Podcast. Y'all are the bee's knees and the cat's meow. Gamers Week Podcast. Just basically family at this point. Absolutely Best Podcast. My friend Phoebe, her show, Nerds of Broadcast. I can just go on and on and on. I am going to update my podcast page with some other shows to shout out. So I haven't done that in a while. And I also have to do recommendations on Patreon.

[01:04:18] So just keep an eye out there for all the shows and all the different people in this retro gaming network. And I'm going to continue doing some stuff on TikTok regardless. And keep your ear to the speaker for eventual next steps, either with this show or an eventual faith show. I'm thinking a Christian show is just going to be my story starting out, just like my faith journey and my personal story. It's interesting. I didn't come from this. I wasn't born in this.

[01:04:46] And I think my road to faith is an interesting one. And I've been told by a number of people I should talk about it. And if God leads me there, then that's where I'll go. And if not, then see you next time on the next edition of A Gamer Looks at 40. Thank you so much for listening to this. Y'all are the best. Could not ask for better. Group of people to call friends and family. So thanks again. And like I said, just be kind to yourselves and each other.

[01:05:16] And remember, the work is worth it because you are worth it. Have a great night, y'all.